pocket satan

notemily @ 08:33 pm: which in France was called "LA VITESSE!"
Mercury Retrograde: it giveth, and it taketh away.

Actually it's more like the other way around. It taketh away something, which annoys you, but then it usually giveth you a tholution to your problem, even if it's not the one you were exthpecting. (Sorry.)

I got up this morning to find that my power adapter cord had quit for good. Apple is notoriously bad at power cords, and though the MagSafe is a huge improvement over the old iBook chargers, it still quit on me after six months of (not very gentle, I admit) use. So, I dutifully made plans to go to Die Apfelladen, as the Germans call it (they don't really), and talk to the Geniuses there.

Meanwhile, I get to work, barely on time, and then there's absolutely no parking anywhere, so I'm circling the block and the parking lot for ten minutes, sure I'm going to be fired for my latest tardiness incident. But so far, still employed! :/

(Me: I was afraid they'd fire me. Co-worker: They can't just fire you, don't they need to give you written warnings and stuff? Me: ...Yeah, I have those. Co-worker: Oh.)

At the library, there's a total Mars Retrograde incident where a guy gets all belligerent about his account being blocked from the computers. Now, usually angry patrons are still reasonable people, and they eventually go away, even if they go away annoyed. This guy would not give up. He started yelling and swearing and freaking out all the other patrons, and the director asked him to leave, and he STILL would not shut up, so she called the police on him. (The police station is next door.) He was like FINE CALL THE POLICE WHATEVER, and I guess they banned him for evar or something, because he's not allowed to come in the library anymore.

Oh, and the reason he was blocked from using the computers in the first place? A completely different library had put the block on his card because of "disorderly conduct." Heh.

Throughout all of this drama I was at the other checkout station (the one without the angry man at it), just trying to move patrons through the line as fast as possible because they were obviously uncomfortable with the dude's behavior. My boss was like "how did you stay so calm? I was freaking out!" but after the guy left, I felt all weak and shaky. I wasn't really that calm. I'm just used to hiding my anxiety from people, especially at work.

For the rest of my shift I thought about men and women and violence and how most of the people who work here are women, and it was all women behind the counter when that guy was yelling. I thought about how glad I am to have a huge granite desk between me and the patrons, but maybe that's just the illusion of safety. I thought about how there's something about a man yelling that's really scary to me. Maybe it reminds me of my dad being angry when I was a kid. In my memory, the angry patron was ten feet tall and loomed over everybody, even though that's obviously not true.

Anyway.

After work, I had a couple of hours to kill at the mall. The mall, for those of you who don't live here, is one of those outdoor malls with lots of open space between the rows of stores. This may seem like a rational thing to build. In California. Not in Wisconsin, where it's currently about 15 degrees, and the mall streets have become huge wind tunnels.

(They built it to replace an earlier, indoor mall, which apparently wasn't cold enough for somebody.)

Problem: I forgot my hat. The one from purpleprimate, which is actually the only warm hat I have left after I lost my super-warm pink one at Boston Store last month (single tear :'( in memoriam). So, walking through the aforementioned wind tunnels, I was Very Cold.

Solution: I went to H&M, returned a sweater I had been planning to return, and exchanged it for... a hat! Yay. It's white and fuzzy. And, most importantly, warm.

Maybe the whole outdoor-mall thing is a conspiracy to sell hats.

Then I go to the Apple Store, and wait patiently for my Genius Bar appointment. Unfortunately, nobody told me I was supposed to "check in" when I got there. I thought the appointment was enough. So they never called my name, and I waited and waited. Finally I talked to a Genius Guy and he said I should have signed in, and I was like WTF IT DOESN'T SAY THAT ANYWHERE, because it was a long day and I wanted to go home.

Genius Guy was nice to my cranky self, though, and took a look at my MagSafe, which had rust in it, indicating water damage. Mercifully, though, he replaced it for free, even though I am an obvious slob who occasionally uses her laptop as a coaster.

Nothing makes you notice how dirty your computer is like letting a Genius look at it. I gave the MacBook a good microfiber scrubbing when I got home.

Tags: computer, library, mercury retrograde, work

notemily @ 11:45 pm: What is it Sebastian, I'm arranging books according to the Dewey decimal system
Sometimes I think I like library school. I saw an anonymous comment on John Green's blog about the uselessness of libraries, and I felt compelled to provide some edifying information, most of which I learned in library school. I even looked up citations. But spreading information to people who think libraries are unnecessary, even on teh intarwebs, is way more satisfying than writing papers to someone who already knows that stuff.

I will defend libraries as long as I can still speak/type, though I won't do the same for information science education. It's not that I don't find learning about libraries and librarianship interesting. The problem is that too little of library school is about those things. I often wish I had enrolled when UWM still had the old, library-focused core.

I have two incompletes now, both in core classes. My motivation just... ran out. No battery life left. None. I'm resting now, taking a semester off, although this does not make my parents happy. It doesn't make them as unhappy as it could, though, for which I am grateful. I still expect them to fight me on everything.

I might be able to go back later, finish up. I suppose I could see myself doing that. But I'd need help. Lots of it. When one of my professors suggested in an e-mail that I seek help from the student accessibility center and said she was willing to help me however she could, I almost cried. She actually asked if I was okay instead of berating me for my laziness, lateness, undone assignments. I spend so much time waiting for the axe to fall that when someone shows me some kindness, I am overwhelmed.

Anyway, for now I am going to work with my shrink on exploring alternate career options, and rest, and read, and meditate (track my progress (I love that site)), and take some time without assignments.

Tags: add, library, life plans, school

notemily @ 11:11 pm: 2009 in music - with downloads!
My most-listened-to artists of 2009, via last.fm charts:

1. Neko Case - Obvs. She's the reason I can't just do a straight "top tracks I listened to this year" list, because she is like seven of the top ten. Not only does she win my Artist of the Year, but I recently realized I discovered her in March of 2000, so she's pretty much my Artist of the Decade as well. ♥. Top track: People Got a Lotta Nerve Bonus track: Middle Cyclone


2. Girl Talk - My default high-energy music. Good for cleaning. Top track: Shut the Club Down - Featuring Avril Lavigne, Jay-Z, Aphex Twin, Rod Stewart. Bonus track: Bounce That - Featuring LCD Soundsystem, Stevie Wonder, Britney Spears, Ciara.


3. Fall Out Boy - No irony; I earnestly love their earnestness. Top track: What a Catch, Donnie - The part where they go back and sing all their hits makes my inner 15-year-old ridiculously happy. Bonus track: Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes - Can't count the number of times I drove around town shouting "BOYCOTT LOVE! DETOX JUST TO RETOX!" this year.


4. Mates of State - I wasn't too big on their previous album, Bring It Back, but The Re-Arranger has replaced Team Boo as my favorite MoS album. Top track: The Re-Arranger Bonus track: You Are Free (The Mae Shi Remix) - I like this remix a lot; I haven't heard the original.


5. of Montreal - Really? Huh. Don't remember listening to them that much. Top track: Gronlandic Edit


6. Rufus Wainwright - Top track: Between My Legs Bonus track: Release the Stars - WARNING: These songs are both filled with awesome


7. The Decemberists - I didn't really get into The Hazards of Love, but I still like The Crane Wife. Top track: Yankee Bayonet (I Will Be Home Then)


8. The New Pornographers - A staple. Top track: Myriad Harbour


9. The Weepies - Can I just say that I really like the Weepies? I mean, obviously I really like every artist in this post. But the Weepies have really grown on me since I first heard them. They're not loud or dancey or even particularly groundbreaking; they're just nice. Top track: Antarctica - I love this song. I always try to read a deeper meaning into the lyrics, which are just about going to Antarctica. I find they can be applied to many life situations.


10. M.I.A. - Top track: Hussel - On my list of songs to choreograph a bellydance to.


11. A.C. Newman - Top track: There Are Maybe Ten or Twelve Bonus track: Prophets


12. Iron & Wine - Top track: Innocent Bones Bonus track: Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Twilight...?

A few favorite songs by artists that don't make the above list:

• Rilo Kiley - The Angels Hung Around - I feared the best and loved the worst, insisted that I go first, watched your eyes as they poured, and I never really loved you more


• fun. - At Least I'm Not As Sad (As I Used to Be) Fun is a lot of fun. I'm glad they're around so I don't mourn the loss of the Format as much.


• Beyoncé - Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It) - Still love this. The video, the dancing, the MTV performance, all of it.


• Little Jackie - The World Should Revolve Around Me - Indeed, I too have had a lot of failed relationships.


• Hawksley Workman - The City Is a Drag Some will tell you toughen up / But this old life is all you got / How much insanity can anyone take?

What was everyone's favorite music of 2009? Enjoy the downloads :)

Tags: mp3, music

dragonladyflame @ 09:26 pm: hey kid, good morning: you look like an angel
It's interesting how ritualized siSwati is. (Perhaps English is too and I'm merely accustomed?) When one passes another in the road, one always, always greets. Most of the time, even if you don't know the other person at all, you greet. "Sawubona," to one person, "Sani bonani," to more than one (or a particularly respectable one). They answer, "Yebo," ("yes") and you say "Unjani?" or "Ninjani?" ("how are you?"). To which they always say "Ngikhona / sikhona," or "Ngiyaphila / siyaphila," ("I'm here" or "I'm healthy"). If you choose to continue then you ask, "Uyaphi?" ("where are you going?"). If you choose to continue past that then you can say "Liyashisa," ("it's hot") in summer or "Makata," ("it's cold") in winter. To which the polite response is "Yebo, liyashisa kakhulu!" ("it sure is!") even if it's not particularly hot at all (or cold).

I have this conversation at least ten times every day. It is in fact offensive not to greet someone; I've gotten in trouble for it. Because I'm impatient, I often skip straight to "Unjani?" Less formal, but it does the job, and won't offend unless it's the chief or something.

...

It was slow in my community today, so slow; even slower than is usual, here, partly because of the holidays. At least it wasn't terribly hot. I took a nap in the late afternoon and woke up around 6.30, took my daily malaria prophylactic. I wanted to go for a walk, but in Peace Corps we're trained to be terrified of that kind of thing. Never go anywhere alone, unless you know the route well and there are lots of people. Never, ever go out after dark. I spend so much time sitting still; the Swazis say, "ukhuluphele" -- "you're doing well, you're getting fat." Not quite fat, and maybe they're exaggerating out of politeness (fat's a Good Thing), but I'm certainly too sedentary. I had to walk. It wasn't dark yet. And the community knows me pretty well, now, so how dangerous can it be to walk in a new direction from my homestead? Just for twenty minutes? As long as I'm back by dark?

The earth here is red -- deep red -- brick-red. The dirt roads are all red, practically glowing in contrast against the dusty yellow-green fields and scrubby small trees. My area is bounded in distant romantic cliffs and mountains. The wind was strong today; it wasn't even close to hot, by 6.45; my hair blew across my face and streamed behind me. I went in a direction a host sister once told me was dangerous. "The last Volunteer used to walk along that road, in the fields," she said. "But it's dangerous."
"How?" I asked.
She shrugged.
"What do you mean?" I persisted.
"I don't know, it's just dangerous," she said.
"So I shouldn't go there, then?" I asked. She shrugged again.
Conversations with Swazis often go like that.

At a crossroads I saw a boy with a wheelbarrow twenty feet away, accompanied by a small sisi (girl), and waved. He waved back, asked how I was.
"Ngiyaphila."
He shouted something I couldn't hear.
"Angiva," I shouted back. ("I don't understand.")
"You look like an angel," he cried. The girl was hopping on one foot, giggling.
"Ngiyabonga," I shouted. ("Thank you.")
"I love you!" he said, which is normal; at least this one didn't ask me to marry him.
"Ncesi," I called back. ("Sorry.")
The girl was in paroxysms of laughter.

I was reminded of another man who mistook me for an angel. I was reminded of the song "Nobody Needs to Know," from the musical The Last Five Years; a betrayal, that song -- dislikable lyrics, but the melody's so beautiful.

The fields are very empty along that road. That's probably why my host sister said it was dangerous -- there'd be no one to hear me scream. I passed three Swazis walking abreast. "Ninjani?"
"Siyaphila," they chorused.
One turned to watch me and asked, "Uyaphi?"
I smiled. "Just walking."
They laughed and shrugged me off.

Over a year ago I talked to one of my oldest friends, Ed, about whether I should come to Africa when the Peace Corps called -- that, or try to hold out for a region I actually wanted, like Asia. I already knew Africa was the place they intended to send me, and I knew it would be risky to hold out for someplace I really wanted, because PC disdains such preferences and judges applicants negatively for having them. I remember that I was drunk. I was on the edge of crying. Ed said, "I think you should go to Africa," and I said, "Why?"
He said, "Because I think Africa will make you a better person."

An orange-legged round insect the size of my palm darted into the road, dug, darted back into the bush. I passed one of the skeletal bushes with white wooden thorns several inches long and paused, touching the thorns, pushing my fingers gently against the points.

Singani sami -- my boyfriend -- Rob and I trade text messages every day. Last night, in one flurry, I noted how much I appreciate it that "I always feel sure that you listen to what I say & interpret charitably." He wrote back: "If I ever felt anyone deserved a charitable interpretation, it's you, a creature of love and madness, even desperation." And tears came to my eyes.

I'm falling in love. With the many-shaded red road, with the dusky mountains and white thorns. With slowness and ritual greetings and text messages thrown into the ether, like messages in tiny bottles. This love doesn't quite feel -- natural? It doesn't feel unavoidable; it doesn't feel like lightning or an avalanche or an inferno. I am not overwhelmed. I'm walking into it slowly.

I joked to all my friends before I left that within six months I'd either develop Stockholm Syndrome or go home. I've got it now; I'm falling in love; I have no choice. But I wouldn't have come here if I wanted a choice.

dragonladyflame @ 12:05 am: from the department of "you can't make this shit up"
I'll just paste it here, because I doubt that the "Times of Swaziland" is going to get on my case. It's worth glancing at the original for the comments though. This mirror has some good comments too.

It's from the Letters to the Editor section:

Sir,

My name is Willard Windsor a resident of New York, United States of America.
I was born in Swaziland in 1964 and I left your beautiful country with my father when I was three years old.
My mom stayed on in Swaziland until 1986, and when she came back to the States she told me that if I wanted a happy life I should marry a Swazi woman, as they know how to take care of their husbands.

I didn’t listen to her then but I’m willing to listen to her now.
I am coming to Africa for the soccer world cup next year and I would like to use that opportunity to visit Swaziland as well, and hopefully meet and marry my new wife.

So I am hoping that you will publish my request for women who would like to marry me to send me emails so that I can communicate with them and make a proper choice before coming for the world cup. Briefly about myself; I’m a VP for Acquisitions at an Independent bank in New York City.

I am a divorcee and I have a 12 year old daughter. I’m looking for a woman between the ages of 20 to 40, and I’m not too picky; I just want a woman with a good heart to help me raise my daughter and take good care of me. I make good money so my wife will not need to work or worry about finances. So please publish my details in your newspaper and help me meet my future wife.

Willard Windsor.
willardwindsor@aol.com

The editor responds:

Windsor,

My immediate thought to your request is that I hope it is a genuine interest you have in our women. I also do hope that you are not just looking for someone to keep you busy during the month of the world cup. Having said that, it obviously lies with all the women who will show interest to make sure they know what they are getting themselves into.

Otherwise, let’s appreciate what your mother told you, it goes without saying that she is very right. We have beautiful women, who were raised right, and who I am sure, are intelligent enough to see through certain cons. Good luck, and may all those who will be interested tread carefully!

Editor.